Have you ever actually bothered to ever read some of the subject lines of the ridiculous spam emails you get?  Author Daniel M. Clark decided to do just that – and record all this sarcastic and funny gut reactions to them all in his new book, The Big Book of Spam, available for a reasonable $13.99.

I admit – without knowing Daniel or much about the book he was writing, he sent me one to reivew and I was worried that it might be dry with marketing analysis of spam headlines, and that I wouldn’t get around to reading it (like the last Joel Comm AdSense Secrets eBook I received that I still haven’t read).  But this was a great fun read while I was jetting around the western United States a couple weeks ago on planes and in airports.

Relatively small considering it’s the BIG book of spam (funny in itself), the fonts are big, there’s generally two subject lines and their remarks per page, and it is really funny.  I want to share with you my top 10 from the book.  I shall warn you in advance, there’s some off-color language in a couple.  More than half the book was devoted to the “Sex and Celebrities” category.

1. Do you wish ladies would have an… An…?  What?  An… aardvark?  An… obelisk?  An… infection?  Eww, no, probably not that. An… ice cream cone?  Oooh, yummy!  Yes, I wish ladies would have an ice cream cone, because maybe I could get a lick.  Of the ice cream cone.
   
2. Avoid enhancement pills I’m working on it.  These days the kids are popping enhancement pills like candy, much the same way that my generation used to “smoke the weed”.  It’s very, very important for the word to get out on “the street” that enhancement pills are very “dangerous”.  Parents, heed the words of our noble spammer.  Make sure your “kids” are “staying away” from the enhancement pills.  This “public service message” brought to you by The Big Book of Spam, the spammer who sent it to us, donations from viewers like you, and this station.  Also by a grant from the Corporation for Annoying the Hell Out of People.  And the letter B.  And the number 7.
3. Girls go wild, screaming and stripping and running after me when they see me at the door. It’s embarrassing, really.  Last time it happened, I was walking into a church.  Talk about awkward.
4. Does your spouse bore you to death?  Cheer up! Are you trapped in a boring, loveless marriage?  Do you wish you were happy?  Do you wish that ugly, overweight, unfuckable hag in the ridiculous house coat would just spontaneously combust?  Cheer up!  For only three easy payments of $1999.99, we can arrange… something.  If you know what we mean.
5. No hardware needed, satellite tv on your pc Computer, monitor, network card or modem, a router perhaps… a big satellite in outer goddamn space… nope, no hardware needed at all.
6. Cleanse your Excess Weight Look, I know I’m not Johnny Six-Pack in the abs here, but I don’t need to be told to cleanse my excess weight.  I do that when I shower, and don’t need to be reminded that I should be hitting the gym instead of sitting in front of a computer for ten hours a day.
7. Locate super and despicable Box Software for PC and All Macs!!! Your thesaurus has failed you.
8. Open Your Eyes to Extreme Multidimensional Mascara! I hope it stops at three, because once you start getting into fouth- and fifth-dimensional mascara, strange shit starts to happen.
9. Have your own Vegas Vacation – Participation Required “Honey, I’m off to Vegas.  What?  NO, this thing says I have to.  I’ll be back in a week, I swear – maybe ten days.  Seriously, the email says I have to.  No, of course I won’t hire any hookers.  No, it won’t be like last time.”
10. Paris Hilton Sextape.  We keep up to date with today’s hottest stars Her sex tape was news in 2003 – you’re not keeping up very well with today’s hottest stars if that’s the best you can do.

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More and more lately I’ve been receiving unsolicited business emails. Not spam, just emails from representatives of various companies offering their services to our company. I’m getting a bit more adept to answering these emails when we’re not interested. But it’s still an awkward situation.

So how do you address these things? Is it best to get straight to the point and tell these people politely that you’re not interested? Or should you fill the email with pleasantries and tell them you’ll get back to them if you’re interested? It’s a tricky situation.

My approach lately has been to get straight to the point. Thank them for taking the time to reach out to you, but politely let them know that you’re not in the market for their product or service. Of course if I am interested, I’ll ask for more information. Every time I send a response though I’m always conscious of what the person receiving the email will think. I don’t want them to think that I’m blowing them off, but I also don’t want to lead them on if we’re just not interested in the product or service.

So how do you approach this situation? I’m really curious to hear opinions. Talk back to me!

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