Cabin Fever Laced with Agoraphobia

For some reason today, I’m stuck with the feeling of “I gotta get out of here”.  Aside from my cat attack healing, and missing a couple of days work to recuperate, I haven’t really had a stressful week, just… odd.  Anxious.  Shuttered.  I’m completely torn in half with an overwhelming desire to get outside, go somewhere new or different, and an overwhelming desire not to leave the house for fear of stares at my face.

Late Friday afternoon, I was just thinking about how much I wanted to get away for the weekend.  Get out of town, even if that’s just to stay at a motel, sit in a hot tub, swim in a pool, and relax.  Half an hour looking at hotel rates & different nearby locations squashed that as I just didn’t want to spend $200 on a hotel just to satisfy a whim.  Late Friday night (okay, Saturday morning) I was struck again with wanting to find something to do or somewhere to go this weekend, so looking at Funcheap SF I discovered that September 27th is both Smithsonian’s 10th Annual Free Museum Day and National Public Lands Day means free admission to select national parks.  One of the museums on the list is the Cartoon Art Museum in San Francisco, that I’ve wanted to go to for quite some time.  As well, one of the national parks offer free admission is Muir Woods, another place I’ve been meaning to go for awhile.

I know my oldest BFF Rachel would enjoy both places and has nothing concrete planned to do today, so I was about to email her when I stopped.  Hmm… lots of people at the museum.  And SF traffic and parking.  Being a cartoon art museum, I’d also expect there to be kids.  And kids don’t have tact (mostly).  As evidence by the little boy (maybe 5?) at last weekend’s San Leandro Historical Railway Society Open House who walked right up to me and said “Um… you have a big tummy” much to the immediate horror of his mother who made him apologize.  So that was immediately out.

Muir Woods might still be in the cards… plenty of opportunity to find a secluded spot and snap some photos or read or just sit and chat.  Oh, and there’s even a shuttle from Mill Valley so I wouldn’t have to circle for parking.  So there I was again, about to email Rachel, and stopped.  Lots of people on the shuttle, I bet.  Lots of people in the cafe and gift shop.  Maybe more people than I think considering it’s a free admission day.

So here I am, wondering how fast this damn set of gouges on my face will heal so I can just go outside and see people again.  Being Diabetic, I know it’ll take longer to heal than the average person (as my doctor felt the need to warn me again).  I wasn’t very worried about going to the doctors office looking my worst considering I’m sure they’ve seen their share of injuries, and being a late afternoon appointment there’s usually not many people there.  But going to Walmart afterwards to get my prescription was AWFUL.  I tried to hide behind Dominic a bit where I could, but being a foot taller than me, he naturally walks faster than I do so I couldn’t always use him as a human shield.  It might have been in my head, but I felt the looks.  I couldn’t help but feel like people were looking at me like “What the FUCK?”.  I mean, I can’t blame them – if I were cruising around Walmart shopping and saw a chick with two fresh cuts on her face, unbrushed hair, and a black eye, I’d look twice and think WTF too.

I wish I could just blow $200 on a motel somewhere.  Just to get away, relax, and hopefully quell this anxiety.  But I’m also thinking… not even that would work and I’d just have more anxiety by being out of my house and under the glare of people I don’t want to stare at me (more than I’m sure people already do).

I may still go to Muir Woods today, or I may figure out somewhere else that’s quiet, secluded, and relaxing to hide by myself with a book and a blanket (and maybe Winston).  I just don’t know.  I wish I wasn’t so self conscious about this that I feel even more crippled emotionally.  Bleh.