Review: The Big Book of Spam
Have you ever actually bothered to ever read some of the subject lines of the ridiculous spam emails you get? Author Daniel M. Clark decided to do just that – and record all this sarcastic and funny gut reactions to them all in his new book, The Big Book of Spam, available for a reasonable $13.99.
I admit – without knowing Daniel or much about the book he was writing, he sent me one to reivew and I was worried that it might be dry with marketing analysis of spam headlines, and that I wouldn’t get around to reading it (like the last Joel Comm AdSense Secrets eBook I received that I still haven’t read). But this was a great fun read while I was jetting around the western United States a couple weeks ago on planes and in airports.
Relatively small considering it’s the BIG book of spam (funny in itself), the fonts are big, there’s generally two subject lines and their remarks per page, and it is really funny. I want to share with you my top 10 from the book. I shall warn you in advance, there’s some off-color language in a couple. More than half the book was devoted to the “Sex and Celebrities” category.
- Do you wish ladies would have an… An…? What? An… aardvark? An… obelisk? An… infection? Eww, no, probably not that. An… ice cream cone? Oooh, yummy! Yes, I wish ladies would have an ice cream cone, because maybe I could get a lick. Of the ice cream cone.
- Avoid enhancement pills I’m working on it. These days the kids are popping enhancement pills like candy, much the same way that my generation used to “smoke the weed”. It’s very, very important for the word to get out on “the street” that enhancement pills are very “dangerous”. Parents, heed the words of our noble spammer. Make sure your “kids” are “staying away” from the enhancement pills. This “public service message” brought to you by The Big Book of Spam, the spammer who sent it to us, donations from viewers like you, and this station. Also by a grant from the Corporation for Annoying the Hell Out of People. And the letter B. And the number 7.
- Girls go wild, screaming and stripping and running after me when they see me at the door. It’s embarrassing, really. Last time it happened, I was walking into a church. Talk about awkward.
- Does your spouse bore you to death? Cheer up! Are you trapped in a boring, loveless marriage? Do you wish you were happy? Do you wish that ugly, overweight, unfuckable hag in the ridiculous house coat would just spontaneously combust? Cheer up! For only three easy payments of $1999.99, we can arrange… something. If you know what we mean.
- No hardware needed, satellite tv on your pc Computer, monitor, network card or modem, a router perhaps… a big satellite in outer goddamn space… nope, no hardware needed at all.
- Cleanse your Excess Weight Look, I know I’m not Johnny Six-Pack in the abs here, but I don’t need to be told to cleanse my excess weight. I do that when I shower, and don’t need to be reminded that I should be hitting the gym instead of sitting in front of a computer for ten hours a day.
- Locate super and despicable Box Software for PC and All Macs!!! Your thesaurus has failed you.
- Open Your Eyes to Extreme Multidimensional Mascara! I hope it stops at three, because once you start getting into fouth- and fifth-dimensional mascara, strange shit starts to happen.
- Have your own Vegas Vacation – Participation Required “Honey, I’m off to Vegas. What? NO, this thing says I have to. I’ll be back in a week, I swear – maybe ten days. Seriously, the email says I have to. No, of course I won’t hire any hookers. No, it won’t be like last time.”
- Paris Hilton Sextape. We keep up to date with today’s hottest stars Her sex tape was news in 2003 – you’re not keeping up very well with today’s hottest stars if that’s the best you can do.
Online Marketing Glossary: Email Marketing
Email Marketing:
- The promotion of products or services via electronic mail.
There are many services that can assist small businesses to send targeted emails to their customers at an affordable rate. I have the most experience with Vertical Response, which is really easy to send both custom emails and emails using their templates.
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Glossary Definition From ABC’s of Online Marketing by Alexandra Wharton, Issue 22, Revenue Magazine
Social Media Pays Off
Whoever said that hanging around social media platforms never helped anyone is flat out lying. I’d like to think of myself as ahead of the curve in most situations. I try to be an early adopter whenever I can now. So I’ve been eager to jump onto the bandwagon with new social platforms like Social Thing and Britekite, most recently. I’m making a point to be a presence in the social media space for two reasons:
- Fun.
- Traffic.
I am geekier than I care to admit most times, and I’ve always been into instant digital communication like email and instant messenger. Which is why I acclimated to Twitter so easily. Making the jump from LiveJournal to MySpace, then later to Facebook was a piece of cake. So I have a lot of fun hanging around talking to people, exchanging ideas, or just exchanging rather meaningless comments. I’m just an online oriented person. Not that I can’t carry on a phone call or face-to-face conversation, I just enjoy the technical aspects of writing. Blame it on the geek in me.
But as I mentioned, the other more beneficial reason for hanging about on these networks has been traffic to my blog here. I’ve always known that my efforts and time spent on Digg and Stumble Upon would eventually pay off. At the same time, I was never worried about whether they would or not since it was the fun that kept me there. Today I decided to check my Analytics account, something I don’t do nearly as often as I should. I found a wonderful sight.
That’s right… my top 5 traffic sources include three social networks. This makes me totally happy that my addiction to these things is paying off. So listen to all of us social media nerds and register your brand names and participate. It’s just one of the many ways that you can make fun your job 🙂
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